When All Else Fails
by pimpmastervoldie
Summary: Someone does something horrible to Vaan, and the only way to cheer him up is to take him on a treasure hunt. Baltheir, Fran, and Vaan are off on an adventure before the Lady Ashe sees her dead hubby again and decides to drag them along. Baltheir


**When All Else Fails, Talk About Roaches**

**By PimpMasterVoldie, PimpKuja, and GrandMasterCúntia**

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize here does not belong to us. Final Fantasy 12 is property of Square and not us.**

**000**

Vaan ran up to Montblanc with tears streaming down his cheeks. He wiped at them roughly, with a cry of disgust. His voice was shaky when he revealed the horrifying secret to Montblanc. His reaction could be compared to the screech of a banshee upon hearing the news.

"I was raped!" Vaan told the little moogle.

"Oh my god! Who was it?!" Montblanc said, placing his tiny little paws on the boy and shaking him softly.

"I…I don't know if I can say it," Vaan said, trying to catch his breath.

"Vaan, you have to tell me. I can't help you otherwise."

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"

"Who was it?!"

"IT WAS PENELO!"

Montblanc was horrified at the disturbing news.

"I saw her girl parts!" Vaan let out with a horrid tone.

Montblanc looked at Vaan, and decided to smack him across the face. He walked away very upset. "Jesus, Vaan! Get over yourself! I thought you got raped by someone interesting, like Balthier, or at least Basch. I mean, Penelo? Come on."

"But it was so disturbing! She's so… girl-like!"

"Go get raped by a malboro or something and then come talk to me."

**0**

Vaan went to his room in Lowtown to try to get over the fact that he'd been raped by a girl, and how mean Montblanc had been. He sat on his bed and held his knees as he began rocking back and forth. He noticed something on the wall and began to speak with a melancholy voice.

"There are roaches on the wall

They climb to the ceiling…

Have they no feeling?

Why are there roaches on the wall?

Just yesterday I was looking at my wall,

And there were no roaches on the wall.

Why are there roaches on the wall, roaches on the sink, roaches on the floor…?

Damn. They're everywhere.

Is this Arcadia's new Elite Army

That I did not know about?

They're everywhere.

Are they possessed,

By the many creatures I've slain on my journey?

Why are there roaches on my wall?

Why just yesterday I was sitting here

Looking at my wall and eating my sandwich

And I found a roach in my sandwich

Maybe that's why there're roaches on the wall?

Penelo gave me that sandwich

Penelo was the one that raped me

With the roaches on the wall

Now I can't feel my face

Because there're roaches on the wall

I should call Basch

And tell him how Penelo raped me

With the roaches on the wall

But there're are roaches on the phone, roaches in the tub, roaches on the door

Where the hell did all the roaches on the wall come from?

There are roaches on the wall

They creep and they crawl

On the wall

And I can't think of anything that rhymes with wall

Except that Penelo raped me

With the roaches on the wall

I see a roach on my bed.

I will name this roach Waldo, and raise it as my own

Because it reminds me of a time before

There were roaches on the wall

I think I should call the exterminator

To fix the problem

About the roaches on the wall

But I'm broke

So I guess I will have to live with the roaches

The roaches that live on the wall

I wonder what would happen

If I tried to smoke the roaches…

The roaches on the wall?

I sound high already…

Why not make good use of the roaches

And smoke them?

Why can't I smoke the roaches on the wall?

Maybe I should get out of the house

The house with the roaches

The roaches on the wall?

If I don't leave soon

The roaches might rape me

Like Penelo

Who raped me with the assistance of the roaches on the wall…

Yeah, I'm leaving now."

Vaan wondered into the bar where he found the Sky Pirate, Balthier and his Viera companion, Fran. He was called towards their table by a wave from Balthier, he nodded in their direction before dragging himself to the vacant seat in front of Fran. "Hello guys." His voice was void of emotions, nothing but a dull and lifeless undertone.

"What troubles you?" Fran asked.

Vaan turned his empty eyes towards the Viera, "I got raped." He mumbled. "Not like anyone cares…not you or the roaches on the wall."

"You got raped?" This was Balthier that spoke up. Balthier had taken a liking to the young thief after spending some time with the boy, and was quite upset when he heard he was not the first one to get to him. _'I've planed and planed, I supposed I did take to long and now someone beat me to it. I guess I will have to get seconds? Maybe I should do as Fran said and actually try to seduce the boy.'_ "Who has done the deed? Was it Basch?"

Vaan shook his head, "no," he whispered in that dead tone.

"Was it Penelo?" Fran asked, running her hand through her hair.

Vaan looked up to her, "how'd you know?"

The Viera narrowed her eyes, "it could be the fact that when I asked her where she had been she told me she was raping Vaan. I mean, if Balthier wasn't so busy plotting his little schemes he would have noticed what the girl had said."

"Oh my, you were raped by a girl!" Balthier said, trying to steer away from the conversation Fran was trying to bring up. "How horrible it must have been for you." He patted Vaan's hand sympathetically.

Fran shook her head, "what is this about roaches?" she asked the broken boy.

"There are roaches on my wall, they are the reason why I was raped." Vaan, at last, broke down.

"What do you mean?" Fran asked again.

"Penelo gave me a sandwich that had roaches on it so I could have roaches on my wall, that way I would go stay with her until the roaches on the wall left… and then, and then…" sniff, "she rapped me!" Vaan completely lost whatever control he had and began to bawl his eyes out.

"There, there." Balthier rubbed Vaan's back in an effort to comfort him. "Why don't you come stay with us in the Stral? We are taking a break from all the adventuring, so Fran and I decided that we could go treasure hunting one last time before the princess decides to make us go to who knows where again."

Vaan sniffed and wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand, "r-really?"

"Yes, we can go do actual sky pirate things. What do you say?"

"Okay. Do I get to wear an eye-patch?" Vaan looked hopeful.

"Only if Fran accidentally pokes you in the eye with her ear."

Vaan looked to Fran with puppy dog eyes, "Fran?" Fran just gave him a dirty look, like that time he asked her if she liked carrots. [1

Balthier cleared his throat, "well I guess we should get going."

"We should, where we are going is a ways away." Fran said, standing up.

"Where are we going?" Vaan asked, already in a more cheerful mood.

"That is a surprise." Bathier responded, walking behind Fran as they left the bar.

**000**

**A/N:** And that is where this chapter ends. Stay tuned! Or something. Tell us what you think or if you have any ideas. We might even use some of them. Woot. Lovely booty. – PimpMasterVoldie

[1 From the ficlet: False Information by Mazzie May


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